Monday, June 7, 2010

I want to blog more, but something is missing

I miss blogging, I miss the ability to say what I want in an open space, and not really worry or care if people are judging me or not. There seems to be something missing for me here, its not like AOL Journals used to be, there I felt a sense of community with the women that blogged, and commented on my blog, we had a kinship, most of them have just disappeared, or moved on, and I really miss those friendships.

I used to look forward to reading about them, and finding out what was new with their lives, but those days are gone, with the exception of you Heather, there doesn't seem to be anyone left anymore.

I started out blogging about my weight loss efforts, I began my journey weighing 292 pounds, and eventually lost 146 pounds through diet and exercise. After about 2 years of maintaining, and struggling, I got pregnant and began to quickly gain back a little more than 120 pounds throughout my pregnancy.

Since giving birth I have lost 53 pounds, and still have a long way to go, I'm not sure I will ever be back to the weight I was before I got pregnant, which was 165 pounds but I know I need to lose a lot  more in order to be considered healthy, and that's my main goal right now. To be a healthy, fun, and fit mom to my little girl.

Children learn by example, not by being told what to do while watching adults do something completely different from what they say. So I want to provide a healthy example for my little girl, I want her to have a good self image, no matter her size, I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin and learn that her worht is no defined by the numbers on the scale. Nowadays looks are emphasized so much more than everything else, I mean as long as a girl is pretty than it doesn't matter that she is nasty, or mean , or dumb as a box of rocks, and I don't want my daughter to fall victim to that kind of thinking.

I'm ready to get out there and take charge of my life, but I just don't know how. I don't kow where the fear comes from, I know I am capable of doing great things in my life, but I can't seem to get myself up, and do anything. I have a disease called laziness that strickes me at critical times in my life, and I need to learn how to remedy this illness.

Its funny because laaziness doesn't strike me when I have to get on the treadmill (most days), it strikes when I need to go out and do something like be a part of the outside world. It strikes when I think too much about where to go, and what to do. It strikes when I don't have anyone to drive me somewhere so I just decide not to go, when I am more than capable enough to get on the bus, I just don't get it. I mean I know there are so many things that I want to do, but some sort of fear is stopping me from doing them by myself.