Still working on me!

I'm still working on what makes me tick. I just read my last post and realize that I've lost 69 pounds since having Haeley! That seems like a large nimber when I take the time to look at it, but when I think about it on a daily basis it seems miniscule to me because I am constanly gaining and losing the same few pounds. I don't know why this is, I just can't seem to let myself get over the fact that I don't need to binge. What I do need to do is work on my feelings and the things that are bothering me, in order for me NOT to binge, and stuff my feelings down with food. How does one do this? That's what I'm working on figuring out.

As I write this post Haeley is climbing on top of me, yelling out the window at the men redoing our front steps. She's so funny, and assertive already. I'm glad that she has an assertive presence about her already. I don't think she's going to let people push her around. I hope not. There is so much you want for your children as their parents, it's crazy to think that one day she will be an adult making her own life decisions, and the only thing she'll have to go on is what she was taught by us, or what she observed. I hope to make a good example of myself, so that my daughter can grow to be a better person than I am.

It's not that I don't think of myself as a good person, I just want so much more for her, that's all.

I want to blog more, but something is missing

I miss blogging, I miss the ability to say what I want in an open space, and not really worry or care if people are judging me or not. There seems to be something missing for me here, its not like AOL Journals used to be, there I felt a sense of community with the women that blogged, and commented on my blog, we had a kinship, most of them have just disappeared, or moved on, and I really miss those friendships.

I used to look forward to reading about them, and finding out what was new with their lives, but those days are gone, with the exception of you Heather, there doesn't seem to be anyone left anymore.

I started out blogging about my weight loss efforts, I began my journey weighing 292 pounds, and eventually lost 146 pounds through diet and exercise. After about 2 years of maintaining, and struggling, I got pregnant and began to quickly gain back a little more than 120 pounds throughout my pregnancy.

Since giving birth I have lost 53 pounds, and still have a long way to go, I'm not sure I will ever be back to the weight I was before I got pregnant, which was 165 pounds but I know I need to lose a lot  more in order to be considered healthy, and that's my main goal right now. To be a healthy, fun, and fit mom to my little girl.

Children learn by example, not by being told what to do while watching adults do something completely different from what they say. So I want to provide a healthy example for my little girl, I want her to have a good self image, no matter her size, I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin and learn that her worht is no defined by the numbers on the scale. Nowadays looks are emphasized so much more than everything else, I mean as long as a girl is pretty than it doesn't matter that she is nasty, or mean , or dumb as a box of rocks, and I don't want my daughter to fall victim to that kind of thinking.

I'm ready to get out there and take charge of my life, but I just don't know how. I don't kow where the fear comes from, I know I am capable of doing great things in my life, but I can't seem to get myself up, and do anything. I have a disease called laziness that strickes me at critical times in my life, and I need to learn how to remedy this illness.

Its funny because laaziness doesn't strike me when I have to get on the treadmill (most days), it strikes when I need to go out and do something like be a part of the outside world. It strikes when I think too much about where to go, and what to do. It strikes when I don't have anyone to drive me somewhere so I just decide not to go, when I am more than capable enough to get on the bus, I just don't get it. I mean I know there are so many things that I want to do, but some sort of fear is stopping me from doing them by myself.

Guilty . . . .

Well I have become guilty of whet most of the world is guilty of. . . I made a New Year's Resolution on January 1st and have just about given up as of last week. Things have been hectic, I've been tired, I started school, and can't seem to adjust to the new schedule I'm on, I've got excuses, excuses, and more excuses, it's either time to put up, or shut up. Ususally I wait out the week to begin "fresh" on a Monday, like it matters what day of the week I "start" eating healthy for myself. It's all a cop out to keep me from doing what I really need to do.
Things are getting bad, I've started getting this pain in my joints, and I'm having some serious pain in my elbow, so there are 2 more excuses as to why I can't workout. I'm waiting for the doctor to get back the x-ray report, but by the time that happens things will be worse, and I already know it's not the bone, and I really need and MRI, but they don't listen to me, its just my body afterall. I'm starting to feel depressed, and that's because I am not living my life the way I want to, I am beginning to feel numb to it all, I just don't know what to do about things right now.  I am in a rut, and that's been happening a lot lately.

I was watching Dr. Oz this morning, and he had on people that had lost 100 pounds or more, I used to be one of those people, that got me thinking, and even more depressed, but instead of wallowing in it, I really should be doing something about it. I need to start some sort of plan before it's too late, I don't want to have any health problems because of my weight, and I'm afraid that they might have already begun, and that's also making me feel depressed. I'm going to be 30 next month, and I feel like I've wasted so much time in my life, and all I'm doing is wasting more by not living the way I want to.

It's time that I start making better decisions for myself.

Today was a pretty good day diet wise, my husband had some family over, and he cooked a lot, (he plans on beginning his diet on Monday), and I can happily state that I stuck to my guns and didn't indulge in things that would make me later OVER indulge. That's what I tend to do when I eat something that I deem "toxic" to my progress. As my diet profile states, I am an all or nothing type of dieter, heck I'm pretty much an all or nothing type of person. Anyway today went well, and I plan on making the best of tomorrow as well. I haven't begun my exercise routine yet, but I will soon. For me, in the beginning it's all about getting the right foods in first. Once I get myself together "foodwise", and I feel comfortable with my progress there, I will begin incorporating exercise into my daily life once again, and I have to say I am pretty excited about that. I know what works for me, I just have to apply it, I will do this again, I can do this again!

New Year, New Incentive...

In January of 2006 I embarked on a journey to lose weight, I weighed 290+ pounds. By December of that same year I had lost 146 pounds. In November of 2008 I discovered I was pregnant, over the next 9 months I proceded to gain all of my weight back, after having my beautiful daughter I lost 45 pounds without trying, it might have been due to the loss of appetite after my C-Section, because after I healed my appetite was back with a vengance. I ended up GAINING 18 pounds. So here I sit on the first of January 4 years later looking to make a promise to myself. My promise is to try harder, to workout at least 4 times a week, and to enjoy the life I have with my husband and my baby girl.I know i can lose the weight again, I just have to apply myself in the same manner that I did the first time. I have no excuses not to do this, I just have to talk myself out of giving into the temptations that are often more tempting in my mind than they actually are in reality. I am a foodie, we tend to sensationalize food mentally, when in reality certain things just aren't worth the guilt. So here's to a new year, and new experiences.

I feel a tightening in my chest, its the feeling you get when you realize your utterly alone. There is just so much a person can take, I just feel as if my feelings are always pushed to the side. Is there something about me that lets people instinctivly know this is okay? I am sick of coming in second to everyone around me, things will change, I owe it to myself to make a change.

Starting Anew...

My Haeley with her "Dominic the Donkey" Christmas gift from Grandma and Grandpa.



It's been a while for me, and I guess I might have to figure out how to get back into the blogging routine. I'm sure it won't be that difficult.
Life for me has changed considerably, I'm a mom now! I have a five month old daughter named Haeley, she is my world. I honestly didn't know what real, true, unconditional love was until I held her in my arms that first day. She is me and I am her, we fit together like puzzle pieces. I can't imagine my life without her, and I feel like in some way she's always been here.


I think of her before I think of myself, I suppose that will be happening for the rest of my life. In the beginning I didn't want to spend time with anyone else but her, it was like I was trying to keep her to myself, but I think I was also getting to know her, and I wanted to do that without prying eyes. We bonded, I fell in love. How does a little person make you love them so deeply, when you don't even know them?





During the course of my pregnancy I manged to gain all my weight back, I enjoyed the excuse to eat, never really giving a thought to the damage I was doing to myself. Well the damage is done, and as of January 1st, I will be getting myself in gear and trying to get back in shape, I want this for myself as much as my daughter. I want to be able to play with her, and not be tired. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, so I will be able to teach her to value herself. I want to live long enough to see her fall in love, get married and have babies of her own.

Spoke too soon...

Hello everyone!

Last week I ended my post stating that I have no morning sickness yet, well I spoke too soon, and wish I could take it back. For the most part the worst thing I can say is happening is that my stomach is constantly churning, almost as if I'm going to get sick but then I don't. I feel disgusted with food, but I know I have to eat. And since I stopped taking my heartburn medication, it has gotten 10x worse, and once again I feel disgusting.

I am also very, very tired, I WANT to walk more, and exercise a little, but I just can't seem to do it. My body isn't letting me.

So that's pretty much all that has been going on. I feel like a lazy slob :(

A Few Questions For All You Mom's Out There...

Okay, so as you all know, this is my first time. I really don't know what to expect. I'll tell you how I've been feeling lately, and maybe you can all tell me if it's normal.
For one thing, I am tired, all the time. I feel asleep in the car today, and I never do that because I am a nervous passenger.
Also before I even knew, I was having weird cravings for stuff I haven't eaten in years, like mayonaise and cheese sandwhiches, which I loved as a kid. they just seem so appealing right now.
This may be a sensitive one, but my breast are a little sore, and they feel "fuller" than usual, although I know it's too early for them to be filling up. Right?

I don't know what else right now, I'm too tired to think, but please let me know some things about all of your pregnancies, so I can know what to look for.

BTW, no morning sickness yet, is this normal?

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!

I'm pregnant!!! I'm in such a fog I can't even begin to tell you. I know it's early but I had to share the news, we found out yesterday.

This explains a lot.

My doctor was so funny yesterday, when he came in the room he looked at me and said, "Eva you look like your nervous about something, what's going on?" I preceded to tell him that I took 3 different pregnancy tests and they all came back positive, but I wasn't completely sure because, the line was light.

He laughed, and asked me if I wanted to be pregnant, and for the first time, I admitted outloud that yes I do. He then said "Well you are!! Congratualtions!

I immediately began sweating like a pig in a sauna. I've been checking out pregnancy websites all day yesterday, and today. Although I know it very early, and I am a little afraid about what's to come, my sister says to enjoy it rather than stress it. So that's my motto from now on.

I am not going to let the little things get to me, and I am going to enjoy everyday of this experience to it's fullest.

Amazing Quiet

Right now I'm sitting at the kitchen table (my office), and the house is entirely quiet. My husband went fishing and his daughter is at work. So what's a girl to do when she's home all by herself on a Friday night?

Well... I took my medicine, for my double ear infection, sinusitis, and nexium, and my cold. I also had a little party and ate a little too much, but no worries. I've been working out all through this cold, and today I just felt like having some things I don't normally have during the week.

It seems to me like this is a never ending thing, but I think I am coming to a point where, I know what I need to do in order to eat the way I want to once in a while. This solution is fitting me fine right now. And so are my clothes. LOL.

I'm working on some papers for school, and pretty much will be for the remainder of this weekend. I'm starting to wonder if I made the right call going into education. I mean when I first decided it was because I really didn't know what else was out there, now I see there is a wealth of possibilities. I'm the sort of person that sees the positive in what I can do, but I never really apply myself to my full potential. I mean if I did, I'd probably be able to accomplish some great stuff.
I think I'm afraid.

Being a student means I have an excuse not to work (if I really don't want to), but it also means I don't have to grow up fully. I mean I'm 28 years old, but I am terrified to be a responsible adult. I feel like admitting I am an adult will mean that I am admitting I don't need my mom anymore, and in some way that means she won't be there.

She's getting ready to retire, and that scares me because when I think of retirement I think of people getting old, I don't want my mom to get old, I'm not ready to face the world without her yet. And I don't think I ever will be.

Enough of that!

So this week has pretty much been a standard stressful week, school, home, Tyson having problems with insurance because some kid on a skateboard coming down a hill and going througha stop sign hit the back of his car and ended up in the hospital, and now his parents want to sue. I mean, how is this even possible?!?!?

The kid which is 17, was racing down a hill on a side street with 4 of his friends and he went through the stop sign, and hit the rear passenger side tire of our car, I have no clue how this could be Tyson's fault. I mean don't they tell you if it's behind you you can't control it?

At any rate we'll see what happens, but this is stressful, and scary. I mean what if the car was parked and the kid ran into it, would they still be trying to sue? Ridiculous.

So I'm not really up on this blogger thing, and I know I miss a lot of posts that others make, and I'm sorry for that. As soon as things settle down hopefully I'll be able to figure it out.

Well I'm off to enjoy a little more peace and quiet.

I'm beginning to feel a little sick tonight. I have been trying to fix my computer all day, somehow I downloaded a virus and I had to go out and get a spyware kit and it was just a mess trying to get it all figured out, it literally took 3 hours to clean out all the junk on this computer.

I really need to get myself up to date on all of this stuff.

So today didn't turn out to be as productive as I thought it should have been work wise.

I went to the gym, then came home and began working on this and paying bills, I really need to get a job, I just don't know where in the heck I'll find the time to work, and go to school 12 hours a day 2 days a week, teach 2 lessons a week in different schools at opposite ends of town, prepare the lessons, and do whatever other work I get from my other classes that have kind of taken a back seat to my Education classes.
I really need to work, I know I do, but I am so afraid I won't be able to handle all of this stress, I become overwhelmingly dependent of food when I am in a vulnerable position, right now I am learning to cope with things, by have a free day once or twice a week, and still exercising. Truthfully I am selfish in a way, I want to be able to get up and go to the gym for 2 hours a day, then come home, shower, and do my school work at my pace, which is sort of slow, but that's how I get the good grades. LOL.
I mean you have to admit, for someone that dropped out of school at 16 to be pulling the grades I'm pulling I think I'm doing okay. However, I also think this may be one of the reasons I have some difficulty now and then with certain classes, because this is the first time I am being introduced to this stuff.

Like I said I'm not feeling to good tonight, I have this nagging tickle in my throat so I'm probablt going to go rest and finish up my work, then have a cup of tea and head to bed.

Update...

I am happy to report that the meeting that was scheduled with the chair of the Education Department produced some good results for us as students!

25 Students attended the meeting, and there were 10 emails sent by those that couldn't attend so it was a pretty good turn out in my opinion because that is more than half the students in both sections.

The chair of the department gave us the floor for over an hour. He was very patient and let us all say our peace. Within two and a half hours of the meeting things were changed! I couldn;t believe it.

I am more shocked at the fact that by taking a stand something ACTUALLY changed. I am a VERY pessimistic person, and I still had my doubts leaving the meeting, that our concerns would be sort of swept under the rug, so I am more in a sort of awe at the way things work. I mean I guess it's true- if you really believe in something and you go about voicing your concerns in a clear and rational manner, things can be changed.
I think this is something that we forget in our society. We CAN change things! (Forgive me, I'm on an opportunistic high right now!) I'm going to change the world, LOL. Truthfully, I am just happy.

Yesterday I was so stressed out I ended up talking my hubby into ordering pizza, and I ate 4 slices!!! Then, I had icecream and pretzels. Bad move, but it's done, I'm over it, and I moved on. I went to the gym this morning, and I feel better already.
Sometimes I get wrapped up in trying to lose the weight as fast as I can, like once it's lost I'll be a finished product, but when I sit back and think about it; I'll NEVER be a finished product, so why am I in such a rush all the time? I'm not letting myself enjoy the journey, and figure out new things.
I need to stop and smeel the roses sometimes, and believe it or not there are roses on this journey too, you just have to know where to look. For instance, pushing yourself that extra mile, or 10 minutes, that's a AH HA moment! As I think Oprah would say, or at least I consider it my AH HA moment.
JUst get out there and do something you didn't plan on doing today, no matter what it is, do it for you, and let the good feelings soak in.

I'm a little mushy today huh?

2 Steps in the right direction, hopefully...

So today I decided I've just about had enough. I am emailing my professors and they are not getting back to me, we have a deadline to hand things in, but they are not even checking what we're doing. My question is, why give the work if it's not being checked?

Like I said classes are canceled until the 21st of October, how are we supposed to learn anything this way? This is my career on the line here, I mean I want to be a teacher and I am not learning the necessary skills I will need to apply to a classroom. I can not believe that the school board allows things to be run in the haphazard way. So I made a complaint, then I sent an email to everyone in the section and informed them of a meeting with the chair of the department. I hope they will attend, I hope I am doing the right thing. There needs to be some clarity here. This has got to stop.

So like I said, I hope I did the right thing, I don't want it to come back to me in a negative way.

I also made it to the gym this morning, and for some reason I actually felt lighter today, so I decided to get on the scale, and it said I was lighter! A pound and a half lighter! I am happy with that. I am taking it one day, one step at a time. I am finding out that I like new things about exercise, and I think I might even be building muscle because I feel tight!!!

That's a good feeling.

I've decided that for today I am not really going to do any work for school. I am done, I need a day to sit back and enjoy things so that's what I am going to do.

Going CRAZY Here!!!

I've been spending so much time in front of this computer my ass hurts!!! I know it's not funny, but it is, in a way.
I am so sick of sitting here, I feel like I am not getting anything accomplished. I keep on doing the same thing over and over, if the professors had clearly stated what they wanted in the beginning, like any good instructor would. I don't think I would be on the verge of tears, and screaming at everyone who asks me a question.
It's that bad. I feel like I can't answer anything. Like I can't have another thought interrupt my train of thought when it comes to writing out these lesson plans. I know that some of you may be wondering why I am finding it so difficult, well it's a long story.
As you know I am a junior, and one of the classes I am in is an integrated curriculum course, which means I have 3 professors for the course, and I only receive one grade. I get 3x's the work for no perks, so to speak.
I take my education seriously, I have been on the Dean's List since my first semester. I just received my Associate's Degree and I only have 2 semesters to go after this. However, the professor's I have this semester are making things unbearable. I am not the only one that feels this way, but like always I do have the biggest mouth so I am the onlyone they hear.
They want us to write 6 lesson plans and hand them in by Thursday. In previous semesters they have given workshops, to teach the class how to write the lesson plan according to their criteria. For some assinine reason they decided to cancel the three workshops so we could do our observation hours, now for the most part none of us know how to write a lesson plan accrding to their standards, and all we have to base our knowledge on is samples from last year. BUT WAIT!!! they've changed some of the elements!
So I am basically shooting balls in a basket in the dark, hoping I get them in.

I ask questions, and I'm told to go ask someone else. No one wants to do their job, they just want to keep cancelling classes and getting paid for it.

AHHHH! I just needed to vent.

On a brighter note I went to the gym today, I'm telling you I feel great, but the scale is not budging. How annoying is that? Well actually it moved 3 ounces since last week, lol. I 'll get it together somehow, at least now I know what I have to do in order to maintain my weight, and eat the way I want on the weekends. LOL.

Monday...

It's only Monday and I am exhausted.

Today has been a super busy day, but I think being busy is the best thing for me to be. It gives me less time to think about food!

I went to the gym today. I'm trying something new, which seems to be working for me. I have been going to the gym @ least 5 days a week and I make sure I go on Saturday's, I try to work out as long and as hard as I can, and on the weekends I let myself eat whatever I feel like eating. I started this about two weeks ago, and I am still seeing results and not feeling deprived. I feel like I am living and not struggling so hard to stay on track because I know I can have whatever I want, and that gives me the power to just stay focused all week.

Friday.. I have a question

Why is is that I kicked my butt at the gym today and weighed in and saw a gain? This gets me so angry, I just don't get it, I mean it's really not mathematically possible, so I know something else is going on because my clothes are fitting better every week. TOM is here, so that could be the contributing factor, but it's such a pain in the a&& that I get so discouraged when I see that. I mean I FEEL great! I feel SKINNY! LOL, so I'm really not going to let that number get to me.

I am extremely stressed out with school, and if I tell you how many times I've said I want to give up this week you would be shocked. I feel like I just can't take the pressure any more. It's not the work that bothers me, it's actually trying to interpret what the heck these 3 professors want from us. I am not the only one that feels this way, and we have all come together, because of this common enemy so to speak, but no one seems to be doing anything about it.

I have been spending so much time doing work at the table that my back is starting to hurt from hunching over stuff. I do the work, email it, print it out, and bring it to school only for them to say "Oh one more thing" or "we're not doing it this way now" I mean make up your mind or move over and let someone else teach for you. It's ridiculous what they are doing. I don't even want to go into it, but just know last night I was really ready to quit. I won't, but I wanted to.

A New Home...

Okay so it took my a while to figure out how to use AOL Journals, and now I've got to get used to it over here. I will but it might take me a while.

Things have been hectic, school is really tough this semester and I am trying very hard to stay afloat, as are many of us I guess.

My routine has been consisting of me getting up early every moring and walking about a mile to the gym, working out for an hour to an hour and a half, then walking home, taking a shower and being glued to the computer for the rest of the day and most of the night doing assignments.

Yesterday alone I spent a little over 10 hours trying to write lesson plans and finish "reflections", I "reflect so much it's just not even funny.

I started working out the same day school started, so that was August 28th, I don't know how much I weighed then, or even how much I've lost, but I know I'm getting somewhere because, I am actually starting to see definition.
I also started lifting weights, and I really love it. I needed it too, I mean I am WEAK! I guess I must have lost a lot of muscle when I lost weight.

I'm really enjoying my time at the gym and have met a lot of nice ladies that push me when I just don't want to do it. That really keeps me motivated.

Well I hope I don't miss anyone, I'm trying to locate all my J-land buddies but it's tough to keep up, so if I haven't gotten to you yet, please make yourself heard and I'll be swinging by as soon as possible.