Still working on me!

I'm still working on what makes me tick. I just read my last post and realize that I've lost 69 pounds since having Haeley! That seems like a large nimber when I take the time to look at it, but when I think about it on a daily basis it seems miniscule to me because I am constanly gaining and losing the same few pounds. I don't know why this is, I just can't seem to let myself get over the fact that I don't need to binge. What I do need to do is work on my feelings and the things that are bothering me, in order for me NOT to binge, and stuff my feelings down with food. How does one do this? That's what I'm working on figuring out.

As I write this post Haeley is climbing on top of me, yelling out the window at the men redoing our front steps. She's so funny, and assertive already. I'm glad that she has an assertive presence about her already. I don't think she's going to let people push her around. I hope not. There is so much you want for your children as their parents, it's crazy to think that one day she will be an adult making her own life decisions, and the only thing she'll have to go on is what she was taught by us, or what she observed. I hope to make a good example of myself, so that my daughter can grow to be a better person than I am.

It's not that I don't think of myself as a good person, I just want so much more for her, that's all.

I want to blog more, but something is missing

I miss blogging, I miss the ability to say what I want in an open space, and not really worry or care if people are judging me or not. There seems to be something missing for me here, its not like AOL Journals used to be, there I felt a sense of community with the women that blogged, and commented on my blog, we had a kinship, most of them have just disappeared, or moved on, and I really miss those friendships.

I used to look forward to reading about them, and finding out what was new with their lives, but those days are gone, with the exception of you Heather, there doesn't seem to be anyone left anymore.

I started out blogging about my weight loss efforts, I began my journey weighing 292 pounds, and eventually lost 146 pounds through diet and exercise. After about 2 years of maintaining, and struggling, I got pregnant and began to quickly gain back a little more than 120 pounds throughout my pregnancy.

Since giving birth I have lost 53 pounds, and still have a long way to go, I'm not sure I will ever be back to the weight I was before I got pregnant, which was 165 pounds but I know I need to lose a lot  more in order to be considered healthy, and that's my main goal right now. To be a healthy, fun, and fit mom to my little girl.

Children learn by example, not by being told what to do while watching adults do something completely different from what they say. So I want to provide a healthy example for my little girl, I want her to have a good self image, no matter her size, I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin and learn that her worht is no defined by the numbers on the scale. Nowadays looks are emphasized so much more than everything else, I mean as long as a girl is pretty than it doesn't matter that she is nasty, or mean , or dumb as a box of rocks, and I don't want my daughter to fall victim to that kind of thinking.

I'm ready to get out there and take charge of my life, but I just don't know how. I don't kow where the fear comes from, I know I am capable of doing great things in my life, but I can't seem to get myself up, and do anything. I have a disease called laziness that strickes me at critical times in my life, and I need to learn how to remedy this illness.

Its funny because laaziness doesn't strike me when I have to get on the treadmill (most days), it strikes when I need to go out and do something like be a part of the outside world. It strikes when I think too much about where to go, and what to do. It strikes when I don't have anyone to drive me somewhere so I just decide not to go, when I am more than capable enough to get on the bus, I just don't get it. I mean I know there are so many things that I want to do, but some sort of fear is stopping me from doing them by myself.

Guilty . . . .

Well I have become guilty of whet most of the world is guilty of. . . I made a New Year's Resolution on January 1st and have just about given up as of last week. Things have been hectic, I've been tired, I started school, and can't seem to adjust to the new schedule I'm on, I've got excuses, excuses, and more excuses, it's either time to put up, or shut up. Ususally I wait out the week to begin "fresh" on a Monday, like it matters what day of the week I "start" eating healthy for myself. It's all a cop out to keep me from doing what I really need to do.
Things are getting bad, I've started getting this pain in my joints, and I'm having some serious pain in my elbow, so there are 2 more excuses as to why I can't workout. I'm waiting for the doctor to get back the x-ray report, but by the time that happens things will be worse, and I already know it's not the bone, and I really need and MRI, but they don't listen to me, its just my body afterall. I'm starting to feel depressed, and that's because I am not living my life the way I want to, I am beginning to feel numb to it all, I just don't know what to do about things right now.  I am in a rut, and that's been happening a lot lately.

I was watching Dr. Oz this morning, and he had on people that had lost 100 pounds or more, I used to be one of those people, that got me thinking, and even more depressed, but instead of wallowing in it, I really should be doing something about it. I need to start some sort of plan before it's too late, I don't want to have any health problems because of my weight, and I'm afraid that they might have already begun, and that's also making me feel depressed. I'm going to be 30 next month, and I feel like I've wasted so much time in my life, and all I'm doing is wasting more by not living the way I want to.

It's time that I start making better decisions for myself.

Today was a pretty good day diet wise, my husband had some family over, and he cooked a lot, (he plans on beginning his diet on Monday), and I can happily state that I stuck to my guns and didn't indulge in things that would make me later OVER indulge. That's what I tend to do when I eat something that I deem "toxic" to my progress. As my diet profile states, I am an all or nothing type of dieter, heck I'm pretty much an all or nothing type of person. Anyway today went well, and I plan on making the best of tomorrow as well. I haven't begun my exercise routine yet, but I will soon. For me, in the beginning it's all about getting the right foods in first. Once I get myself together "foodwise", and I feel comfortable with my progress there, I will begin incorporating exercise into my daily life once again, and I have to say I am pretty excited about that. I know what works for me, I just have to apply it, I will do this again, I can do this again!

New Year, New Incentive...

In January of 2006 I embarked on a journey to lose weight, I weighed 290+ pounds. By December of that same year I had lost 146 pounds. In November of 2008 I discovered I was pregnant, over the next 9 months I proceded to gain all of my weight back, after having my beautiful daughter I lost 45 pounds without trying, it might have been due to the loss of appetite after my C-Section, because after I healed my appetite was back with a vengance. I ended up GAINING 18 pounds. So here I sit on the first of January 4 years later looking to make a promise to myself. My promise is to try harder, to workout at least 4 times a week, and to enjoy the life I have with my husband and my baby girl.I know i can lose the weight again, I just have to apply myself in the same manner that I did the first time. I have no excuses not to do this, I just have to talk myself out of giving into the temptations that are often more tempting in my mind than they actually are in reality. I am a foodie, we tend to sensationalize food mentally, when in reality certain things just aren't worth the guilt. So here's to a new year, and new experiences.

I feel a tightening in my chest, its the feeling you get when you realize your utterly alone. There is just so much a person can take, I just feel as if my feelings are always pushed to the side. Is there something about me that lets people instinctivly know this is okay? I am sick of coming in second to everyone around me, things will change, I owe it to myself to make a change.

Starting Anew...

My Haeley with her "Dominic the Donkey" Christmas gift from Grandma and Grandpa.



It's been a while for me, and I guess I might have to figure out how to get back into the blogging routine. I'm sure it won't be that difficult.
Life for me has changed considerably, I'm a mom now! I have a five month old daughter named Haeley, she is my world. I honestly didn't know what real, true, unconditional love was until I held her in my arms that first day. She is me and I am her, we fit together like puzzle pieces. I can't imagine my life without her, and I feel like in some way she's always been here.


I think of her before I think of myself, I suppose that will be happening for the rest of my life. In the beginning I didn't want to spend time with anyone else but her, it was like I was trying to keep her to myself, but I think I was also getting to know her, and I wanted to do that without prying eyes. We bonded, I fell in love. How does a little person make you love them so deeply, when you don't even know them?





During the course of my pregnancy I manged to gain all my weight back, I enjoyed the excuse to eat, never really giving a thought to the damage I was doing to myself. Well the damage is done, and as of January 1st, I will be getting myself in gear and trying to get back in shape, I want this for myself as much as my daughter. I want to be able to play with her, and not be tired. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, so I will be able to teach her to value herself. I want to live long enough to see her fall in love, get married and have babies of her own.